the personal essay rat race is exhausting

freelance writing burnout, march favorites and a giveaway

The past few weeks I fell into the classic freelance trap—taking on more assignments than I could handle. I started this year with the goal of writing for more fashion publications, which meant pitching more. For context: the vast majority of pitches get rejected. I probably pitched 8-10 ideas over the past two years to a specific publication and finally got one approved last month. So getting a “yes” is wonderful. I exhale and unclench. I can finally relax a little bit. But that’s when the real work begins.

I pitched too close to the sun and that is how I ended up with too many assignments and for the first time, truly feel into the hole of freelance writing burnout. I felt tummy churns communicating with my editors. Seeing edit suggestions on a google doc made my eczema itch. I asked for extensions. I joked that I should honestly just ask for the kill fee and give up. Freelance burnout is tough because I feel like I should be grateful to have an assignment at all, especially when so many writers have been laid off and have no work (and no income). It makes me feel guilty and lazy. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to write the stories. But I know that scarcity mindset got the better of the me this past month and made writing feel like a burden at times. Freelance is just…a beast. It lures me into thinking that I need to take every opportunity I can get now because literally nothing is guaranteed next month or next year. What if this publication shuts down, what if that editor gets sacked?

So after these assignments are wrapped up, I’m going to take some time off pitching. Probably read less fashion news too because I actually don’t need to know everything. I find that when I’m hyper-focused on pitching, I can’t read or consume any media without feeling the need to “thinkpiece” it. I see an interesting pair of shoes and start thinking about the history of those shoes and whether there’s a potential story about a trend revival. I try to watch HBO Girls for fun and think oh shit there’s something really culturally relevant in this episode maybe this could be a pitch.

There’s this cultural goodness around the practice of reading. Reading is a Good Thing. But I’ve been reading too many thinkpieces, too many personal essays, too many salacious delulu confessionals a la The Cut. As a reader this is all entertaining, but as a writer it can cloud my thoughts and induce this sense of pressure to have something to say. It doesn’t feel good. It feels like party sickness; I want to go home and burrow under the covers.

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Switching topics to talk about my favorites from March. I’m also doing a giveaway as a thank you, the info for that is at the bottom of the post :)

cozy cyborg base layers

I LOVE the Baserange cotton long sleeve shirts. They are the ideal weight and thickness for Bay Area Spring, the sewn contour lines elevate it from a solid-colored tee. I call it cozy cyborg. I don’t remember the name of this turtleneck style but I also have the popular Omato style in pink body/brown trim (SSENSE* has this pink/brown variation available).

*affiliate link

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character hats

vintage pom pom bonnet from a friend, cerulean blue lambskin bonnet from clyde via poshmark

My hair feels really awkward right now as the bob continues to grow out. I am not sure when or why I stopped identifying with short hair—it felt like a signature look for so long—but there’s been an internal shift where I just want something different with my hair. At this point, the only hairstyle I feel nice in is two braids. Last week I trimmed my bangs and thought what the hell, maybe I’ll thin out some of the bulky hair on the back flap of the head. It turned out…fine. Not super noticeable but I’m frothing for a BIG hair change so I might get it get it dyed red soon. (That was my intention when I first got it lightened, but my hair was so dark it barely lifted and then I was too lazy to go back). I saw vivianyrl’s red hair transformation which looks amazing and felt like ok, maybe it’s time! Hats and headwear are the most underutilized element of style in modern times imo. They add instant intrigue with their funny little cupcake shapes and retro references. It is impossible to wear a bonnet tied at the chin without feeling like a 1960s new wave film protagonist.

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sleepy beach towns

Last month we took a half day to Half Moon Bay to just hang out somewhere different and bring Maggi to the beach. It was perfect weather. I love sitting inside a warm car and seeing the little black dots of the surfers in the waves. Northern California has a lot of small towns like this. The “downtown” is approximately three blocks of diners with subpar American brunch food and chichi souvenir shops that sell astrology pencils and succulents. People who move here from the city come for stillness, simplicity and freedom to do their own thing. The older I grow the more I understand its appeal. My favorite moment was seeing this horseback riding group ride across the beach. I don’t think Maggi has seen a horse before. It’s precious to see her blinking at the ocean and taking in the splendor of the world.

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a printed one-piece swimsuit

styled with silk lounge pants and a lapis silver pendant from ebay

I am a leisurely lap swimmer (not that fast but I can really get in the zone) and am quite picky about my swimsuits. For the specific setting of the local community pool, I am too vain to wear a plain black training speedo but too shy to wear bikinis that feel more appropriate for a hotel pool with a mezcal margarita in hand. This suit fits my needs, and I like that the construction resembles a bodysuit—I can wear this with loose silk pants and it’s a vibrant resort-y outfit. It’s the Sezane Filippo Swimsuit* in tiles print (gone in most sizes, ugh), but I’d keep an eye on new prints in the same cut if you are in the market for a one-piece. I like this mod/geometric print and would be thrilled if Sezane shifted their patterns towards this design direction.

*affiliate link

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white rabbit and pandan perfume

In a recent fragrance review post,

Celine Nguyen

suggested d.grayi’s pandan perfume. I love the smell of pandan pastries and had to give it a try. It definitely has a tropical pandan note, but mostly smells like sweet bread. What can I say, I love Asian-inflected gourmands! White Rabbit also intrigued me. It’s not a literal interpretation of the famous candy, though there are milky notes. It has a slight petting zoo smell but not in a bad way. Think hay and carrots. Really fuzzy and a little tangy?

d.grayi is owned by a Vietnamese-American perfumer based in Los Angeles. Asian-American perfumers are having a moment and I’m so here for it. Note: I have samples of each of these perfumes in my giveaway.

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resist polite society, eat rotisserie chicken

I have to say, one of the greatest privileges of working from home is being able to grocery shop during off-hours. After a recent string of birthdays in my family, all that’s in the fridge is tupperwares of soggy leftover cake, some eggs, a block of cheese here and there but nothing substantial. So today I went to buy a salt & pepper rotisserie chicken. Everyone loves a rotisserie chicken, right? With food becoming increasing *branded* I love that rotisserie chicken is too bony and feral to get canned or sealed in an ombre pastel-colored package with a Gen Z Canva font. It’s a messy, carnal food. More so than ground beef or whatever meat paste you eat. You have to use your hands, you have to acknowledge the anatomy and mortality of the chicken, you are confronted with stretchy little gray tendons and rip things out of sockets. You will be greasy and get animal bits trapped under your nails.

I like to choose a bird with the most amount of burnt-y shiny skin…glistening like a Glossier girl. Unveiling the plastic dome when I come home is a RITUAL. I believe that you should always eat at least one wing and drumstick right when you come home, when the chicken is hot and the juices are still liquid.

Anyways, I’ve made this ~8 times in the last 2 weeks. I just really like it. It’s tasty and economical. This is the recipe (I never measure anything. Trust yourself enough to know the proportions you like!).

• The “dry”: shredded chicken, sliced persian cucumber, minced red onion, chopped frisee, thick shavings of parmesan

• The “wet”: mayo, calabrian chile, whole grain mustard, olive oil, lemon juice, salt/pepper

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a little giveaway for you

As a thank you to paid subscribers, here’s what I’m including in a giveaway raffle:

• sample sizes of the d.grayi white rabbit and pandan perfume

• a pair of heart socks from sezane

• a tula glow stick (my favorite highlighter for the damp iridescent look)

• the finding ferdinand tinted lip balm scent (the lucky cat color is supposed to smell like asian pear)

Comment below with something you’ve been loving lately, and I’ll draw someone at random. The winner will be announced in my next post.

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xoxo

viv