What a wise post! Just have to share this: about to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary with a man who bought pleather black sneakers from Kmart to wear on our honeymoon in Italy. The man doesn’t have an ounce of man fashion knowledge or interest, but he knows exactly the right compliments to give me on my get-ups. Before that I dated a guy for five years and we were 100% aligned fashion wise. We would get tattoos together and dye each other’s hair. He looked interesting but he was so darn boring. So yea.
Chris Fleming has a bit that this reminded me of: “[St. Vincent] said ‘I am so glad that I moved to New York City and met all the freaks like me.’ Those aren’t freaks, St. Vincent, okay? Those are attractive people with heavily vetted idiosyncrasies. Every eccentric fashion choice has been run through a think tank of NYU undergrads that would blow your hair back. You wanna see a freak? Go to Albany.”
I so appreciate this take! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my best relationships are the ones that don’t look right on paper and how preferences don’t really beget connection as much as we’d like to think. Social media does make me yearn for more aesthetically aligned relationships tho which is a sucky feeling lol
The first date actually happened last week. It was 90 degrees out so I wore a very cute top - lacy white babydoll with subtle puff cap sleeves and black micro shorts underneath but the top covered it. A random girl on the street complimented me on my top, which I think is a flex alone but also in front of your date. Also I wore my Sandy Liang Mary Jane’s for the first time and they were giving me blisters so as we walked, we had to pull over so I could nonchalantly put bandaids on my blisters. Comfort is key!
i'm late to this, but as a semi-fashion-literate (or at least cares-about-clothes) girl married to a guy who almost exclusively wears t shirt he got for free in high school and college + very ugly sneakers from the discount shoe store, i feel very seen. he does not have an instagram. he doesn't even fold his clean clothes, just washes them and then leaves them in a heap to pluck from. we're never going to be the "cool fashion couple" i see in reels, but we both like to change song lyrics to be about our cat, we both cry in pleasure from good Indian food, we both play the same video games, we share the same sense of humor. sometimes there ARE things more important than whether your personal consumerist habits match up!
my husband wears a variation of the exact same outfit every day but i’ve slowly cajoled it into a slightly japanese city boy gorp. he has also cajoled me out of buying a billion micro trends from crossroads and now I’m in a no-buy era embracing MUJI linen and a single pair of well tailored jeans. i think fashion ends up showing how you feel about yourself and being with someone who helps you settle into your true self comes out through the clothes!
i will say though that we were stopped by a street style photographer in tokyo together last year though and i will boast about that until my grave
In late 2017, I met a cute guy through friends, and our first date involved swing dancing in the park, followed by dressing up in 1930s-style eveningwear to join the friend group at a movie theater and watch "Murder on the Orient Express" in style. I was swooning—for someone who grew up watching Fred Astaire movies on repeat, it was an actual dream to have a man dress up in white tie and dance with me on our first date! We were together for several months, but unfortunately he was in love the whole time with the friend who introduced us, and there is really a very thin line between butterflies-in-stomach romance and paralyzing anxiety. So I agree with you that a shared sense of style & taste may deceive you into sticking with someone who's wrong for you—my next boyfriend after this didn't dance and only wore jeans and T-shirts.
My gf is 6ft and femme with bright pink hair who wears as little clothes as possible at all times. I’m a short granola butch dyke that owns 10 of the same t shirt. We have opposite aesthetics & insane chemistry 🙂↔️
It was post lockdown, I was living in Edinburgh Scotland and feeling lonely/lusty/abandoned/pent up and confused at who I was, how I was perceived and where I was in life. Where was the glamour ! Where was the drama ! Where was the fashion !
I lined up a hinge date. Getting back out there was what I needed. Let’s meet some new people and start living life again - but what would I wear ?
This first post-lockdown-first-date outfit felt unbelievably important. A relaunch of the new me. I felt like my late 20s had been unfairly ripped from me. So many of My friends had all seemed to settle down and were living with partners pre lockdown and had thus had a totally different (and very positive) experience to my shared flat drama (‘who threw away my plant ?’ ‘It looked dry’ ‘why didn’t you water it’) I felt left behind romantically and like I’d missed the boat.
This outfit and date felt like it could be the first day of the rest of my life. I had to dress accordingly - here I am I wanted to say
The day in question arrived. I finished work and shut my laptop, nervous. My absolute rockstar of a flatmate cooked me a quick dinner and poured me a glass of white wine and I slid into my favourite vintage Levi jeans. Miley Cyrus latest song Mothers Daughter blasted in the background.
Three wines, lots of giggling and a messy room later we’d cracked it - the perfect outfit, and decided how to style the jeans. They were paired with my best eBay score of the year - y2k heeled denim boots, an embellished denim belt, a denim cropped jacket, and my sisters treasured one direction band t (from their first tour - I had it on loan for the summer) It was camp, it channelled coyote ugly and Britney Spears with a nod to Tiqquins Preliminary Materials for a Theory of the Young-Girl. The ultimate britpop Canadian tuxedo
I felt like a million pounds when I finally stepped out the house - into my future and potentially the love of my life. Through playing with clothes it felt like I’d finally felt like myself again
Unfortunately he was beyond boring and there was no second date. We would continue to awkwardly say hello for the next two years when we bumped into each other on the street. But now 5 years later in my early 30s I am living with the most wonderful man (we met on hinge !!!! I don’t remember either of our first date outfits) on a canal boat and we dress up all the time. I’m a bridesmaid for the aforementioned rockstar flatmates upcoming shotgun wedding and I wear my britpop Canadian tuxedo all the time.
My husband is the “ill wear the same thing and replace when needed” cargo , random tee guy…im the Tabi gal. He has always complemented and said he enjoys seeing me dressed up cause it’s just not in his wheelhouse
am I about to trauma dump in the molehill comment thread right now? maybe
this post hits so close to home as someone currently going through a breakup where one of the reasons I couldn't see myself committing to my ex in the long-term was because I didn't think they had "good" taste, and sometimes actively thought their taste was uncool. I have a design background and I'm a very visual person, so that difference to me represented a fundamental incompatibility and was a really big mental barrier for me in being able to accept them fully, even though on so many other arguably more important levels there were a lot of things that were compatible between us.
I'm newly contending with the idea that I may on the spectrum and realising that one of the reasons I ascribe so much significance to the way I express myself externally (through dress, or the events I attend, the types of places I go etc) is that it's my way of trying to connect with others through a surface level first impression rather than having to lean on my awkward personality. but I agree with your point that these types of connections can only go so far and are not usually an indicator of any actual deeper compatibility.
a friend of mine who is really into fashion and dressing up recently told me that she actively doesn't want to date people who dress "too well", or who care too much about fashion because it is usually accompanied by a certain type of personality (she typically dates men whereas I am gay). this was soooo shocking and revelatory to me that someone would admit that, and it made me realise that I exist in such a bubble because there are obviously people out there who don't define themselves by the way they dress at all.
this is all to say that I've been really interrogating my priorities and values in the process, as a way to also understand myself and why I value the things that I do.
worst first date I was wearing my dad's old black ralph Lauren windbreaker and he commented (after some of the most insane conversation I ever had in 45min) that I looked just like a Toronto girl, but I am not one!!!!
I feel a relief after reading this. I wasn’t aware I have been going around with this “we should have the same fashion sense”-aspiration, but now when I see it I can crush it under my silver sandal 💞 thank you!
Fashion girls 🤝 guys who have been wearing the same band tshirt and vans for 10 years
Just a cartoon character closet of band tees my heart 💕
lol why is this so true 🤭
What a wise post! Just have to share this: about to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary with a man who bought pleather black sneakers from Kmart to wear on our honeymoon in Italy. The man doesn’t have an ounce of man fashion knowledge or interest, but he knows exactly the right compliments to give me on my get-ups. Before that I dated a guy for five years and we were 100% aligned fashion wise. We would get tattoos together and dye each other’s hair. He looked interesting but he was so darn boring. So yea.
This is so sweet! Love is more about feeling seen and appreciated than being aesthetically aligned 🫶
Yes!!! 👏
ssense hallmark card looool their marketing team reading this and being like 👀📝📝
almost hurled my tabis across the room at "the couple that tabi together ..." ☠️
Chris Fleming has a bit that this reminded me of: “[St. Vincent] said ‘I am so glad that I moved to New York City and met all the freaks like me.’ Those aren’t freaks, St. Vincent, okay? Those are attractive people with heavily vetted idiosyncrasies. Every eccentric fashion choice has been run through a think tank of NYU undergrads that would blow your hair back. You wanna see a freak? Go to Albany.”
https://youtu.be/ugm_QuQ5RbY?si=GQD9SZ4DARIiqjBx
thank you for sharing this video! love this reference.
I so appreciate this take! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my best relationships are the ones that don’t look right on paper and how preferences don’t really beget connection as much as we’d like to think. Social media does make me yearn for more aesthetically aligned relationships tho which is a sucky feeling lol
sucky feeling is so real!
The first date actually happened last week. It was 90 degrees out so I wore a very cute top - lacy white babydoll with subtle puff cap sleeves and black micro shorts underneath but the top covered it. A random girl on the street complimented me on my top, which I think is a flex alone but also in front of your date. Also I wore my Sandy Liang Mary Jane’s for the first time and they were giving me blisters so as we walked, we had to pull over so I could nonchalantly put bandaids on my blisters. Comfort is key!
being complimented in front of your date feels AMAZING haha.
i'm late to this, but as a semi-fashion-literate (or at least cares-about-clothes) girl married to a guy who almost exclusively wears t shirt he got for free in high school and college + very ugly sneakers from the discount shoe store, i feel very seen. he does not have an instagram. he doesn't even fold his clean clothes, just washes them and then leaves them in a heap to pluck from. we're never going to be the "cool fashion couple" i see in reels, but we both like to change song lyrics to be about our cat, we both cry in pleasure from good Indian food, we both play the same video games, we share the same sense of humor. sometimes there ARE things more important than whether your personal consumerist habits match up!
not having an instagram is such a green flag tbh~
my husband wears a variation of the exact same outfit every day but i’ve slowly cajoled it into a slightly japanese city boy gorp. he has also cajoled me out of buying a billion micro trends from crossroads and now I’m in a no-buy era embracing MUJI linen and a single pair of well tailored jeans. i think fashion ends up showing how you feel about yourself and being with someone who helps you settle into your true self comes out through the clothes!
i will say though that we were stopped by a street style photographer in tokyo together last year though and i will boast about that until my grave
In late 2017, I met a cute guy through friends, and our first date involved swing dancing in the park, followed by dressing up in 1930s-style eveningwear to join the friend group at a movie theater and watch "Murder on the Orient Express" in style. I was swooning—for someone who grew up watching Fred Astaire movies on repeat, it was an actual dream to have a man dress up in white tie and dance with me on our first date! We were together for several months, but unfortunately he was in love the whole time with the friend who introduced us, and there is really a very thin line between butterflies-in-stomach romance and paralyzing anxiety. So I agree with you that a shared sense of style & taste may deceive you into sticking with someone who's wrong for you—my next boyfriend after this didn't dance and only wore jeans and T-shirts.
" shared sense of style & taste may deceive you into sticking with someone who's wrong for you" THIS!
My gf is 6ft and femme with bright pink hair who wears as little clothes as possible at all times. I’m a short granola butch dyke that owns 10 of the same t shirt. We have opposite aesthetics & insane chemistry 🙂↔️
insane chemistry 🔥
It was post lockdown, I was living in Edinburgh Scotland and feeling lonely/lusty/abandoned/pent up and confused at who I was, how I was perceived and where I was in life. Where was the glamour ! Where was the drama ! Where was the fashion !
I lined up a hinge date. Getting back out there was what I needed. Let’s meet some new people and start living life again - but what would I wear ?
This first post-lockdown-first-date outfit felt unbelievably important. A relaunch of the new me. I felt like my late 20s had been unfairly ripped from me. So many of My friends had all seemed to settle down and were living with partners pre lockdown and had thus had a totally different (and very positive) experience to my shared flat drama (‘who threw away my plant ?’ ‘It looked dry’ ‘why didn’t you water it’) I felt left behind romantically and like I’d missed the boat.
This outfit and date felt like it could be the first day of the rest of my life. I had to dress accordingly - here I am I wanted to say
The day in question arrived. I finished work and shut my laptop, nervous. My absolute rockstar of a flatmate cooked me a quick dinner and poured me a glass of white wine and I slid into my favourite vintage Levi jeans. Miley Cyrus latest song Mothers Daughter blasted in the background.
Three wines, lots of giggling and a messy room later we’d cracked it - the perfect outfit, and decided how to style the jeans. They were paired with my best eBay score of the year - y2k heeled denim boots, an embellished denim belt, a denim cropped jacket, and my sisters treasured one direction band t (from their first tour - I had it on loan for the summer) It was camp, it channelled coyote ugly and Britney Spears with a nod to Tiqquins Preliminary Materials for a Theory of the Young-Girl. The ultimate britpop Canadian tuxedo
I felt like a million pounds when I finally stepped out the house - into my future and potentially the love of my life. Through playing with clothes it felt like I’d finally felt like myself again
Unfortunately he was beyond boring and there was no second date. We would continue to awkwardly say hello for the next two years when we bumped into each other on the street. But now 5 years later in my early 30s I am living with the most wonderful man (we met on hinge !!!! I don’t remember either of our first date outfits) on a canal boat and we dress up all the time. I’m a bridesmaid for the aforementioned rockstar flatmates upcoming shotgun wedding and I wear my britpop Canadian tuxedo all the time.
i loved reading this story and your emotions/pov
My worst first date outfit was a full Aladdin Sane costume, replete with thunderbolt makeup.
hahahaha ok but ICONIC
My husband is the “ill wear the same thing and replace when needed” cargo , random tee guy…im the Tabi gal. He has always complemented and said he enjoys seeing me dressed up cause it’s just not in his wheelhouse
am I about to trauma dump in the molehill comment thread right now? maybe
this post hits so close to home as someone currently going through a breakup where one of the reasons I couldn't see myself committing to my ex in the long-term was because I didn't think they had "good" taste, and sometimes actively thought their taste was uncool. I have a design background and I'm a very visual person, so that difference to me represented a fundamental incompatibility and was a really big mental barrier for me in being able to accept them fully, even though on so many other arguably more important levels there were a lot of things that were compatible between us.
I'm newly contending with the idea that I may on the spectrum and realising that one of the reasons I ascribe so much significance to the way I express myself externally (through dress, or the events I attend, the types of places I go etc) is that it's my way of trying to connect with others through a surface level first impression rather than having to lean on my awkward personality. but I agree with your point that these types of connections can only go so far and are not usually an indicator of any actual deeper compatibility.
a friend of mine who is really into fashion and dressing up recently told me that she actively doesn't want to date people who dress "too well", or who care too much about fashion because it is usually accompanied by a certain type of personality (she typically dates men whereas I am gay). this was soooo shocking and revelatory to me that someone would admit that, and it made me realise that I exist in such a bubble because there are obviously people out there who don't define themselves by the way they dress at all.
this is all to say that I've been really interrogating my priorities and values in the process, as a way to also understand myself and why I value the things that I do.
thank you for sharing this, I see and hear the inner tension you’re describing 🫂
worst first date I was wearing my dad's old black ralph Lauren windbreaker and he commented (after some of the most insane conversation I ever had in 45min) that I looked just like a Toronto girl, but I am not one!!!!
lolol
I feel a relief after reading this. I wasn’t aware I have been going around with this “we should have the same fashion sense”-aspiration, but now when I see it I can crush it under my silver sandal 💞 thank you!