i want to be reincarnated as a crow

what i read at the substack bathhouse event!

Good morning! It’s an atypical day in the life—I’m finishing up this newsletter before rushing into San Francisco to make a cameo in a short film. I’ll be playing myself lol. I’ve never done anything like this, but it seems the theme of the summer is saying YES to new and unusual opportunities.

The night before the LA bathhouse reading, I went up to the hotel pool at night.

I plopped down on a lounge chair, gazed out at the shadowy Hollywood hills and reflected on how my life is changing. It sounds dramatic, I know, but I firmly believe in indulging those moments where you feel as though something Good is happening to you.

I had stayed at this hotel before, but this time, Substack paid for it. Which felt extremely luxurious—the stuff of a freelance writer’s dreams. I’ll never pretend that these things aren’t a big deal, because deep down, I am an earnest bumpkin (and I like that about myself).

I scuttled back to my room, chugged some scammy bottled alkaline water, sent a voice memo to my sister, put on my Monchichi pajama tee, and journaled. Mostly about how I felt nervous to read an essay in front of 200 people in a bikini top tomorrow. Me to me:

“It’s one of those things you just have to do. When you’re 60 years old, you’ll be at peace knowing you took the spotlight when the universe was willing to give it.”

Below, the essay I read at the event. Enjoy!

Photo by Tyler Matthew Oyer, LA Times

You guys are probably sick of hearing about recession indicators this summer.

Everything is a recession indicator. I was reminded of that today when I saw a girl at Erewhon slip a dark chocolate bar into her Baggu crescent purse. (Your secret’s safe with me).

But I hope you have room to hear one more recession indicator, because I’m going to share mine. Which is that I’ve been experiencing reincarnation fantasies for the first time.

Before this year, I would say that I thought about the afterlife like, a normal amount for a 30 year old who recently had to up her glasses prescription. But lately, the vague ether of life beyond death has taken an increasingly specific shape. I’ve decided what form I want to take in the next life.

So if there’s a greater power listening right now, consider this my formal application to come back as a crow.

Obviously, as someone who loves vintage treasures and baubles, I would be really good at collecting shiny things. My home is full of trinket trays, and I’m talking about bona fide trinkets here, not Labubus. Very important distinction.

Actually, let me just show you. Here are the contents of my desk tray:

• a brass purse hook in the shape of rabbit I got off eBay

• a sterling silver ring in the shape of a seashell with a moonstone in the middle, also from eBay

• a pot of yuzu lip balm I got at a Japanese drugstore, probably coagulated by now

• a felted ball of my poodle’s fur from her home haircuts

• a pair of cheap jewelry repair pliers from Joann’s (TSA compliant, apparently)

• one half of a egg shaped locket that broke. I keep meaning to get this fixed

• a miniature hand mirror that makes me feel glamorous fixing my makeup in the back of an Uber, highly recommend

So yeah, the crow life would be really suitable for me.

I like that their days aren’t just about survival and finding food. They spend time nurturing the materialist flame in their hearts by lurking around open windows for rings left on nightstands, seaglass on the beach, bright candy wrappers on Halloween, tinsel and ribbon on Christmas.

I like that crows can experience these material desires without all the human baggage that comes with liking and buying stuff.

The reason I try to primarily shop vintage and secondhand is because it keeps me in tune with what I genuinely like. In other words, it lowers the volume on the loud siren song of capitalism’s manufactured desires.

Crows just like what they like and bring it back to their nest. They’ve never heard of underconsumption-core, trinket-maxxing, or the Marie Kondo method. Sounds like a free existence if you ask me.

Finally, the other, pettier reason why I’d like to be reincarnated as a crow is that they have the ideal physical form for exacting my revenge fantasies.

They’re a perfectly medium amount of violent: not an apex predator, mostly defensive because they can fly, but can and will attack if threatened. I can only imagine that one of the greatest joys of being dead is being able to fuck with your living enemies and make them go crazy.

But I know myself.

And I’m too petty and too vain to be a ghost.

I want to be seen. I want to have the ability to do some damage with my beak. Nothing fatal though, that’s not my style. I would peck my enemy’s eye, but not hard enough to actually gouge it out. Just a little kiss, just enough biohazardous avian saliva for a mild corneal infection that forces them to burn their 2 weeks of sick leave.

You know how some people make pacts with their loved ones about sending signs from the afterlife? Like “oh, if you see a heart shaped leaf, that’s me looking over you.”

These are the signs I would send as a crow:

A soggy french fry on the sidewalk means I found a really great garbage situation.

A shiny button means I found crow friends to gossip with.

And a single black feather on your windshield means don’t forget about street sweeping today bitch!!!!

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Molehill Miscellany

• Hayley Williams just reset the culture by releasing 17 new singles last night, including “True Believer,” a chilling meditation on the sins of the Deep South and America’s violent origins. It’s deeply powerful and sounds like a spell. People online are calling it vampire music. You can explore it on her y2k nostalgic website. The singles were released earlier this week with a passcode, then un-released after two days, before yesterday’s streaming re-release. It brought back a glimpse of the way music *used* to be experienced—in a specific time and place, like a solar eclipse. If you missed it, then you missed it. That’s what gave it meaning. All the song lyrics are published on her Substack live journal as individual posts, where fans are convening in the comments section. I think she might be the first major artist to use Substack in this way, as a “blog” arm to her music. Hayley has a fiercely loyal fanbase for this day and age, and it’s a direct reflection of her authenticity as an artist.

• You have to go see ‘Sorry, Baby’ in theaters. It’s the perfect film to watch for a friend date because the story’s heart is about adult friendship (in a non-corny way). It made me laugh and tear up the whole time. The dialogue delivers, I could listen to Eva Victor’s character talk for hours. The New England academic fashion is also very fall moodboard.

• Millennials are the real “The Summer I Turned Pretty” fan base. I’ve been wracking my brain as to why it seems that so many women in their 30s (including myself) are so deeply enamored with The Summer I Turned Pretty TV series, based off the YA books by Jenny Han. The show is seemingly made for teenagers, so why does it feel so weirdly nostalgic for the 30+ set?? Well, this TikTok creator shared a statistic that make everything click for me: 30% of the viewers are millennials, compared to only 15% who are teenagers. When you consider that Jenny Han herself is an elder millennial and published the first book in 2009, it makes sense that the series speaks more to the inner teenagers of millennials, rather than actual modern-day teenagers. The soundtrack and visuals feel like references from 2000s teen dramas, and you can’t convince me that Conrad and Jeremiah aren’t partially inspired by the shirtless fake lifeguard greeters at Hollister stores. Another observation—the characters all have phones and internet in the show, but the way they use social media doesn’t feel realistically contemporary in the same way it does in say, Ginny & Georgia.

• The Molehill chat has been so lively. I’m following this thread for Bay Area cafe recs.

  

• My period just started, which means the only bottoms I wanna wear at home are the oddobody sleep shorts ($32). Admittedly, I thought the website product photo looked a bit diaper-y because of the high waist cut, but all concerns evaporated once I slid them on. They actually look really cute and could pass as beach volleyball shorts. The waistband is gently elasticized and doesn’t hurt my bloated tummy!!! Imagine the look of the SKIMS boyshorts Miss Iris wore on Love Island, but 15% more butt shelf coverage and best of all, 100% organic cotton. It’s how I wished those damn Gil Rodriguez Benton shorts would fit, but I tried those on last week and the whole experience was very dysphoric. I have the sleep shorts in black, and will probably scoop up the cerulean ones.

• I’m going to Outside Lands for the first time….any advice on what to expect/prepare for would be appreciated in the comments :) I’ve heard it’s important to dress for chilly weather and wear comfy shoes, so I guess that means I’m wearing Keen Jaspers.

xo viv

Thanks for being here. You can find me on IG and TT. My wardrobe pieces and recs are saved here—unless it’s vintage, of course ;) I may earn a small commission on purchases made through affiliate links.

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