dear birchie...
we answer your questions on emotional intimacy, friendship apps, language barriers and reciprocation anxiety
Welcome to the first installment of Dear Birchie, a friendship advice column by bffs
and . Do you have a question? Leave it in the comments or DM us!Dear Birchie…
I feel like I don’t have a “best friend” which makes me sad. In the past, people who I thought could be my bestie later proved to be toxic. How do I find closeness with friends?
v: College was the last place where I felt I was able to make several “best friends.” But since leaving that kind of built-in community, it was (and is) hard to find meaningful connections. Before meeting Ethaney, I didn’t even realize I was lacking a best friend because our dynamic is so unique and different than my other friendships. It’s understandable that you would feel sad and hesitant to trust after being mistreated by previous “friends.” I think a lot of people can relate to your desire to find closeness. Fostering closeness does require some level of mutual reciprocation, and it can feel scary to be the one to reach out first. After meeting Ethaney for the first time I felt invested in getting to know her more and luckily she felt the same. I remember feeling like there was potential for deeper closeness when she started sending me long voice notes throughout the day. Like, oh this is someone who wants to connect about the little things that make up a day that make up a week that make up a month that make up a life.
e: I always found it really difficult to make friends that I feel like I could be entirely myself with. Growing up, I feel like I was very desperate for connection so I found myself in friendships that were not reciprocal and lacked genuine love and care, even just basic respect, to be honest. Looking back now, the friendships I considered to be ‘best friends’ were incredibly toxic and hurtful. We were able to have fun as girls do but there was such an obvious lack of trust and closeness that I was so desperately craving. As a teenager, I remember reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume and wondering what a complex, loving, emotionally intimate friendship really feels like. I went through the majority of my twenties and the beginning of my thirties without a best friend and it was lonely! When I met Viv, there was this vulnerable exuberance that made me excited to get to know her - she was someone I hoped would want to be my friend. Finding friends is not so unlike dating. You have to put yourself out there, you have to be vulnerable, you have to take a chance, you have to let yourself be open, you have to be consistent, you have to make an effort, you have to show you care, you have to be comfortable being completely yourself and hope that it will all be reciprocated. And I think that’s what Viv and I both did - we took the time and vulnerability and care to create a friendship where there is genuine emotional intimacy and trust, knowing we will be there to witness each other in all our moments.
Have you tried friend matching apps? What do you think of them?
v: The two I’ve tried are Bumble BFF and Raya Friends…